Her Story - By by an anonymous DISCSian

SECOND YEAR will soon come to a close.

Soon we would all be going to third year. 'Might be promoting' should be more appropriate. My almost two years in DISCS really have memories that I will always keep in my mind. So many things had happened; so many lessons were learnt; so many things had changed. I had changed. She had changed too. So had those after her.

The life in Comp Science was really tough. There are only a few more months to plough through before the final year. As I look back at my almost two short years here, I felt a sense of remorse and regret. I did not make full use of my time here. I had done many wrong things and did not do other things that I should have. And I am not going to let the third year just slip past like that.

Perhaps if I can change history, I would. I really hope I could.
First day in campus was chaotic. I found an army friend who took Comp. Sc. too. We 'buddied' up and took the new challenge of navigating out life in NUS together. He is a very playful person and is always full of life and vigour.

He pulled me to attend the NUSSU Hop and Jam. We really let our hair loose and danced crazily. I enjoyed myself at the hop. That was where I met her.
She had gone to the hop with a group of friends. I saw her during the jam and eyed her when the hop started. She is different from the girl I had before from my last failed relationship. She is jovial, sexy, playful and looked good too.

"Hey, that chick you are eyeing is not bad. Go for it man!", Ken supported.
I danced and moved myself towards her group of friends with Ken tailing behind. I moved towards her slowly as by chance.
"Hi, can I dance with you?", I asked.

She just smiled and her friends looked on. I felt so embarrassed that I hope the ground would just open up and swallow me. Of course, the more experienced Ken came to my rescue.
"Hi everybody! Ken is my name and dancing is my game. My buddy is Min. Can we join in?"
The other girls just giggled. She looked at me and I took the cue. We joined them and danced in a circle. My eyes were fixed on her most of the time. She looked better in the flashing lights. Her hair was silky soft, her skin fair and unblemished. Her smile was gorgeous. Her eyes were hypnotizing. Her figure was sexy as can be seen by her skin cladding black one-piece. Who would not like her?

Amidst the loud blaring of the speakers, I managed to find out a few things about her. She was from Comp Science too and like me, a freshie. She stayed in Bukit Merah, quite close to NUS. She was from a good college and had chosen to study Law but could not make it and was posted to her second choice instead.

We danced until almost eleven when the girls decided to go back. I seized the chance to send her back. She was reluctant at first but I insisted. The other girls looked on with suspicious eyes but who cares!

Ken was careful to make sure I went back with her alone by treating the other girls to a drink at Clementi. I still have not paid Ken the $7+ that he spent that night with the three girls.
The journey to her place was awkward but memorable. My heart was beating very fast and I hoped she could not hear my nervousness. My speech was slurred and incoherent. She giggled at my nervousness and stupidity. I guess that was why she liked about me at first. I asked her many questions on the way. She was careful not to reveal too much details and worse, she just would not give me her telephone number.
I sent her back to her door. She turned around and said,
"You are the first guy who send me back on the first date. The others were so... so ungentlemanly."

My heart soared. She smiled sweetly and opened her door. Needless to say, her family were all asleep. Before closing the wooden door, she whispered,
"You are very cute. See you tomorrow!" Having said that, she smiled her thousand-dollar smile and closed the door gently.
It took me quite some time to register what she said. I felt giddy and very very happy. I did not even mind the $8+ that I spent on taxi fare back to Hougang.
Lisa just wouldn't give me her telephone number. We always talked on Vax until the wee hours in the morning. I asked her many times why she would not give me her telephone number and she would just say that her family do not allow guys to call her. Hard to believe that but I had to accept. I could have gotten her number from her friends but I decided to let her give it to me personally some time later.

She was also afraid to be seen in public with me. She would only meet in the Central Library or YIH, but never in Comp Science. I questioned her and she would say "I am afraid rumour will spread". Can't she take me as her boyfriend?
We went out many times; about twice a week. Her favourite colours were black and white, evident by her dressing. Sometimes we went to a movie and sometimes to a park. When we were out of campus, she would hold my hands, as if afraid to let go. In campus, she would make no physical contact with me.

One day we went to Marina Bay on a Saturday afternoon after the lectures. We stayed there until late into the evening, seven plus. The gentle breeze blew against our face, stinging our eyes with the sea salt it brought along. She sat beside me and laid her head on my chest. I held her soft body and wrapped my arm around her shoulder. I toyed with her hair and combed them off her forehead and tried many different hair styles on her beautiful face.

"That felt very nice." she whispered softly and looked into my eyes.
I stared into her big beautiful eyes. My heart began to pound quickly and loudly. She smiled and closed her eyes, her lips parting slightly. I moved my lips to meet hers and savoured the succulent and reddish pink lips. Her welcoming tongue was the more curious tongue. Both of us could tell that the other one was experienced in this act of love. Perhaps she was more experienced.

After a minute or so, both of us were breathless. We stopped our first kiss. She closed her eyes for a while as if saying a prayer. She opened them and looked at me straight into my eyes. I held her closer and asked,

"What are you thinking of?"
"Nothing. Just hold me now". She closed her eyes again and cuddled into my arms. I felt happy but strange. I asked her,
"Do you love me?"

She was startled. She stared at my eyes as and searched for words to say. After a while she got up from her reclining position and sat upright, pushing her hair back and looked out into the sea.
"You are not the first one I ever love. But I love you very much. Please know and remember that." Tears streamed down her cheeks like strings of pearls against the park lamps.

"Lisa, why do you cry? Have I said something wrong today?"
"No. It's just that I am overwhelmed by feelings. I hate to lie to you but I feel that I couldn't hide it from you either"
"Hide what? Is there something you want to tell me? Is it about your secretiveness? " I asked expectantly. I know this day would happen. She would tell me her story.
"I actually had three relationships before." she said weakly. I had expected her to have a relationship before but not three!

"Are you shocked? Hello?"
"No... I... I just... I am just surprised."

She closed her eyes and more silent tears flowed. I knew she was crying silently inside. I held her close and felt the warmth that spread through her body to mine. I was at a loss of what to say. I just held her and waited for her sobbing to stop.
When it finally did about ten minutes later she said,

"My first boyfriend went after me when we were in college and after he got me, he broke off with his girlfriend. I felt bad about it all. He was very good looking, intelligent and popular. He was the vice-captain of the school rugger team.

"That was two years ago, first year in JC. We loved each other very much until one day he changed. He found another girlfriend; a rich man's daughter. He just left me without any word. I called him many times and pleaded with him to come back but to no avail. The worse thing is that I had already... given him my virginity. I resigned to my fate and was very sad after that. I could not come to terms with reality then. We were so in love and suddenly he changed so fast. I was miserable for a long time.

I cried myself to sleep many nights and whenever I dreamt of him, I would pick up the phone and call him, only to put down the receiver when I realised that it's only a dream. I could not eat proper meals and my studies suffered. I was even more jealous whenever I saw him with his new girl. They walked past me without even saying 'Hi'. I was very troubled and sad. I almost failed my promos because of that."

I winced at these words. They hit me like a stone out of the blue. I didn't imagine all this could have happened. She went on.

"The second one came around February; just before Chinese New year. He is different. He was not handsome nor the active type. He is a mugger but he has a heart of gold. He didn't know much about my previous relationship with my first boyfriend. He only knew that we broke off. I didn't want to tell him much about my previous relationship. I didn't like him at first.

"He sent me back from school almost everyday. He brought me my first flowers. We ignored all the gossips that was going on about us. We were very happy together. We would spend the day doing tutorial or go to the nearby park. He would then send me home just in time for dinner. Life was simple and sweet. I loved him very much.

"One day he came to me at the beginning of first lesson and asked me this question: Did you give your virginity to him? I was shocked beyond words. I wondered how he knew. He told me later that he heard rumours about it. I didn't want to keep him in the dark anymore. I told him the truth after lessons.

He only said these three words: You cheated me. I could sense the burning anger and sadness inside him. He never spoke to me after that. My world just collapsed into pieces. I don't blame him at all. I didn't know what to do. After so long of learning to love him I just lost him like that. I blame myself for being so stupid and for covering up the truth. I had thought that everything would be fine and happy.

But who knows? Had I told him earlier things might be different. I almost thought of committing suicide until a friend stopped me and talked to me for almost three hours on top of the school building."

I pitied her. Tears formed in my eyes. I did not know what to do. I just hope that all these were not real. I just hope that this would not happen to the girl I love. She continued, with eyes staring straight into the sea while she narrated.

"Prelims came and I fared badly. I worked very hard for the next one and a half months. Luckily I did okay for A-level.

"While waiting for the results, I worked in an accounting firm. The office boy there took fancy on me. He was awaiting to be enlisted. He was 1 year my junior. He was only an O-level holder but he was quite handsome with his boyish look. I liked him but I knew that there was no future with us. I did not let him know I was working temporarily there. I also did not let him know I am waiting for A-level results because I was afraid to make him feel inferior or that I was showing off.
"He bought lunch for me although I refused. He would say that he had already bought it and asked me not to waste his hard earned money. He sent me flowers every week to my house and occasionally small presents he made himself. Dad was furious when he knew about it but he couldn't do anything. The boy was persistent. I began to like him slowly. I only went out with him a month just before his March enlistment. He would take me to those bowling alleys and ice skating ring. He used his hard earned money to make me happy. I appreciated that and asked him not to do it but he said it's his money and it's up to him how he would spend it. He was a bit stubborn.
"Enlistment day came and I was the only one to send him off. Before he left he said: 'Wait for me. When I come out I will marry you.'
"My heart was overjoyed. For the first time in my life a guy had proposed to me. I felt so assured of the future and for the first time felt confident about relationship. After his 3 weeks confinement we went out every weekend. I would tease him about his botak head and he would tease me saying I look prettier and prettier. We would go to his house and spend hours relating about my work and his army stories.
"When I received the letter from NUS that I was given a place in Comp Science, I was overjoyed. I told him the Tuesday night he called me. His tone changed immediately. I could sense something was wrong. He was very quiet after that and we didn't speak much. Before we hanged up he said: 'Wait for me'. I was puzzled but I didn't have the chance to ask him.
"That night, about three a.m. someone came and knocked on our door. Dad opened it. I heard some argument and my name was mentioned. I got up and was shocked to see him at the door. I asked him why he had come. He just said that his PC gave permission for everyone to have a night off. I pleaded with dad to let us go down to the playground to talk. Dad took pity on us and relented.
"He held my hand firmly all the way. He kept saying that he loves me. I already knew that though. I assured him I love him too but he seemed unconvinced. I decided to make love to him that night in the large and dark playground at three plus a.m. I did all I can to assure him of my love for him. The whole neighbourhood was deserted. About half an hour after we made love, the chilling breeze blew and he held me in his arms. I felt safe and sleepy. I slept in his arms in the playground.
"Suddenly I was awaken by shoutings. I saw a few soldiers running towards him. He looked worried and said: 'Sorry Lisa, I have to go. I know we cannot be together after you go to university but I know what I did is worth it. Tonight is worth it all the trouble. I will not forget tonight.'
"It wasn't before long I knew he had AWOLed to see me. He had beaten up the guards at his camp and stole a military vehicle out. I did not know how he do it. I only know why. One of the guards was seriously injured when he refused to let my boyfriend come out. Because of the multiple charges, he was sentenced to three years confinement in detention barracks.
"I was so moved by his stupidity and sincerity. I decided to give up my university education for him. I visited him to tell him my decision. He was happy but he said that education to me is more important than him. He wanted me to continue study but I told him I wanted to earn money and wait for him to get out and we will then get married. His last words to me were: 'Always remember me.' He died the next day. He had committed suicide in the detention barracks. I cried for many days. His parents blamed me for their son's death. I felt remorseful but I did not know how to pay them back their only son. I visited them every week as they were well into their pension age. I cleaned their house and kept them company. I wore black and white since then. It was also then that I learnt they had a step-daughter studying in science too.
"Min, it's not that I do not like you. I love you. Very much. I just feel so unsecure and I have no confidence in relationship anymore. Three failed relationships in a mere two years just make me afraid to go into the fourth one. Can't you see I have no more confidence? I was cheated by the first one. The second one was cheated by me. And the third one died for me. Tell me, what will you do if the fourth one come? I had told myself never to enter into another relationship until I graduate. My friends advised me that too. But you came along. I was so reluctant but I am a human being as well. I feel love, I need to be loved, I need to love too. Can you see? I pity easily, and I love easily too."
By then her words were broken with sobbings. I suddenly realised why she always wore white and black. I also realised why she did not want to be seen with me. She was just so unfortunate.
"I am truly sorry. I shouldn't have suspected you nor asked you things like that."
Both of use kept quiet for sometime. Her half-an-hour long narration shocked me and drove words out of my mind. She was silent too. She still sat upright beside me. She looked at me and asked,
"Do you still want me?"
Her eyes were blank. A sign of defeat and hopelessness was all I can sense. I stared into those blank eyes and think hard, not knowing what to think or what to say. Her background was complex and difficult to accept. I did not know if we can carry this through together too. I just did not know what to do.
I love her. But yet I was afraid of what had happened. I was afraid that the past would catch up with the present. I was afraid of what other people would say about us if we carried on. I was afraid of what her last boyfriend's step-sister would think and do. Will she accept the fact that her step-brother's lover is in someone else's arms in just a mere four months?
Besides, I had hope that my girlfriend would be a 'pure' girl. I do not mind about past relationships but she had already given herself to two other guys. I blamed her for being too liberal. But then, am I any better? I had sex before with my first love too although we were still virgins. I debated within myself for a long time.
I know she loved me very much as she had put her own future in my hands by telling me her deepest secrets. I am glad that she was frank with me. I am really grateful that she did not hide anything from me.
So many odds were against us. The heaven seemed to be smiling on me just a few hours ago. And now, it seemed to be putting a curse on me.
Her gaze was still fixed on me. She was still waiting for my reply. I knew what I was about to say would change both of our future. I had planned to tell her I want her, I need her and I love her. I turned and met her gaze but she spoke first.
"Min, don't pity me. If you are going to say 'yes' to make me feel better, please don't. Both of us will not be happy together. I think it's better that we put everything on hold first and see how things will work out. Let time be a test of our real love for each other. But remember... I do love you. There is always a special place for you in my heart. You know my feelings towards you. You make the decision. Sometime later."
My heart sank. How could she say that? She might have no confidence in the future but at least let us fight this battle together. On the other hand, this might seem to be a better solution. I agreed to her suggestion. Perhaps time will be a better judge than ourselves.
Three weeks had passed since we last talked to one another. We still say 'Hi' but we never talked face to face nor on the VAX. School work also became heavier and heavier. It was a strange feeling altogether to be alone again except for Ken's company during school hours.
During that two weeks Ken was very supportive. He did not know why we decided to put everything on hold. He offered to help but could he? He got himself a girl from Arts that he met in his ECA. She was quite good too. She also offered to help but Ken had asked her to join her friends because he wanted to be with me during this difficult time. I was very grateful to both of them.
She did not say how long we must wait. She just said we put everything on hold. I know I couldn't wait any longer. I just need her badly because I love her very much. Every now and then she would just pop up from my mind whenever my mind was wondering. I thought of her on bus. I thought of her in between the lecturer's pauses. I thought of her while brushing my teeth. I thought of her while trying to sleep at night. I just couldn't concentrate on my work or anything I was doing. Life became so unbearable without her.
I decided to talk to her face to face. I know where she usually went after lessons, an obscure corner in the Central Library. I had made up my mind to tell her I need her and I love her.
The internal shuttle service journey just did not seem fast enough. I hope the bus driver would just hurry up and get to Central quickly. Can't he understand I am going to tell her I love her and I want her? If only the driver knew.
I alighted at Central and ran towards the Central Library. I took two to three steps at a time up the spiral staircase. I just couldn't wait to tell her the good news.
I saw her studying alone at the same old place that we used to study together. I walked quietly behind her and hugged her from the back. My lips moved just in time to stop her mouth from letting out a scream and stole a quick kiss.
"Lisa, I can't live without you. I want you. Please back come to me. I love you."
Her shock expression puzzled me. I thought she should be very happy to be with me. Before I could ask her anything a hand patted on my shoulders.
"Hey, why do you kiss my girlfriend?"
I spun around and saw a big guy behind me. He was half a head taller and quite muscular. He was quite tanned too. I was shocked. Why was he talking like that?
"Excuse me guys. Let me explain." Lisa said hurriedly. "Min, this is Roger. Roger, meet Min."
Roger is Lisa's first boyfriend. I was even more shocked this time. What had happened? Is everything and everybody going crazy?
"Lisa, I demand to know what is happening. Would you mind explaining?" I asked angrily.
"Roger, please leave us for a moment. I'll join you... no, I'll meet you in your car later. Wait for me there." Roger went away but before he did he gave me the don't-do-anything-funny-or-else-I'll-bash-you-up kind of look. That did not scare me at all until I recalled that he was a rugby player.
"Min. I hope you will forgive me. Yes I still love him. I have always loved him. I have given him my virginity. He is my first love, can't you see? My first love!"
My heart just shattered into a million pieces. I sat there not knowing what to do. Everything just did not look right. I just couldn't believe this came from someone I love so much.
"I love you too. I always will. I said you will always have a special place in my heart. You certainly will have." she consoled me. "See, Roger came to me about a week after we stop seeing one another. He was a very shattered man. He changed into a sloppy and defeated person. He told me his girlfriend dumped him after both of them got into U. Her rich girlfriend went to NTI and got herself another boyfriend. Roger didn't have to serve NS as he is an Indonesian."
"So you are together with him because he is a rich Indonesian guy?"
"No! He pleaded with me to go back to him but I refused initially. He was so adamant that he followed me with his car all the way home. Dad persuaded me to tell him off when he stood outside our door. I knew I cannot talk or see him in the eyes because I knew I still love him. I knew what my first words to him will be. He just didn't leave until way past dinner at ten p.m. plus. Mom gave him some food but he refused to eat. He just sat outside our door saying he wanted to see me and talk to me."
"So what? I can do just that!" I retorted.
"Just listen Min. Our neighbours kept looking at him and us. Upon Dad's urging, I finally brought him some cold food and he ate so heartily. His eyes lit up and his face so radiant. I was so touched. I mean, he did that all for me. I can see straight away that his love for me has not died yet. He still love me after all. I just felt that I can forgive everything that he did to me. After all, those were history already. No point finger pointing and accusing one another anymore."
Lisa eyes were quite excited now. She was oblivion to my sorrow and anger.
"I invited him in that night. Dad and mom were touched too. Little sis even said he is in love with me. I was so happy then. I never felt so supported by my family before. Dad invited him to stay overnight which he did. I don't know why but Dad suddenly became so approving of Roger. Perhaps Dad remembered that Roger was my first love and Dad didn't know about you. Anyway, I thought I might just let everything go step by step."
"You mean you forgot about me and all those you said just three weeks ago? I asked accusingly. "Remember what you said to me?"
"No I did not forget. But you must see, Min. Do you know that in that two weeks I experienced love that I never felt before? Do you know that I felt like we are both falling in love again just like two years ago? I can never forget that feeling. It cannot be relived. Roger has changed completely. He became neat and tidy again. He started exercising again. But most of all he has become a very happy man again. He changed because of me. Do you see?"
I knew I had lost her forever. Nothing I could say or do would bring her back. I just lost my love. In a short three months plus, I had loved and lost love. I just couldn't believe that people can change so fast. I did not blame her either. I couldn't forget my first love either. And I dare say I still have special feelings for her though I know I would never want her back.
I closed my world to everything other than eat, sleep, and study; the three Ss of NUS life. Ken was busy himself when his Arts girlfriend demanded he spend more time with her than me. Ken relented and he spent most of him time after lessons with her. I did not tell anybody other than Ken what had happened. Ken wanted to help but he was busy himself.
I led a semi-recluse life. I skipped some lectures and tutorials. Lisa herself was busy and she would disappear right after the last lesson to heaven knows where with Roger. Ken would do the same with his Arts girl. I was left all alone to lead my life. Some of my classmates teased me saying I had become a lone ranger but I didn't care. How would they know the plight I am in? Would they understand? So what if they could? Can they help?
Even my family noticed my weird behaviour. Mom asked me if things are alright in school. How can I tell her the truth? It will only break her heart. Life became intolerable. I became a zombie-like creature. People would ask me why I didn't understand or remember what they said. Lectures also became so boring. Tutorial seems to come two at a time. Things just didn't go right.
The one month break came. It was such a timely break for me to catch up on my undone tutorials. Like what Aaron said, the undergrad's life revolve around the 4 Ls : Lecture, Loo, Lunch and Love. [Aaron interrupts: He forgot a few other Ls.] For me, it's minus the last L and plus another one, Loneliness.
Our project group for Pascal assignment wanted to meet almost every week to do it. I was naturally given the simplest part when Ken told the rest that I had some family problem. He is still a good friend after all. Afraid that I would hold up the group, Ken did quite some of my parts as I just couldn't solve the algo bugs.
"Now, let's see if you can solve the last bit yourself. It shouldn't be too difficult if you had read on those functions, Min," Ken challenged me.
"Ok, I'll give it a shot." I replied.
"That's my man. Seize the day and make more out of it!" Ken encouraged.
I stayed later than the rest to debug my part. The rest of my team mates had gone back an hour ago. I really wanted to do this final part myself. Ken had helped me a lot but then I need to learn this myself or else I would not know how to do it later in the exams. I stayed at the terminal until eight plus.
I tried quite hard until at around eight thirty when I finally solved the last problem and my part ran through smoothly. I was so happy that I shouted hooray as if I had just reached the top of a huge mountain. But really, it was an on-top-of-the-world feeling.
Suddenly a message flashed across the screen.
"Hi, still working at this hour?"
"Yes. Doing pascal assignment" I replied using the 'talk' facility to reply Karen.
"Oh! I just want to say you let out a great smile just now."
I stood up immediately and looked around the big VAX room. Karen is not in sight. [The big VAX room is at the corner of the second floor of S15, now renamed as the Programming Lab 1.]
"Hey where are you? How come you can see me and I cannot see you?"
"I can see you but you cannot see me. :)"
I spied at the other ten plus users in big VAX room but none of them resembled Karen in any way.
"You seem very gloomy these days. Your smile just now was simply fantastic."
"Karen, where are you?"
"Please don't ask me where I am. I won't tell you"
I was puzzled by the message. Karen normally do not talk on VAX. She was those mugger type who do not stay until so late too.
"You don't sound like Karen. Who are you?"
"Why do you say that?"
"Karen does not stay so late and she does not use 'talk' anyway."
"You are right. I am not Karen. I am a friend of her."
"Why are you using her account?"
"Because I want to talk to you and..."
"And what?"
"and I do not want you to know who am I"
"Huh? Why?"
"Because..."
"Because?"
"Because I like you."
That message came a bolt out of the blue. I took quite some time to register what happened.
"Excuse me, if you are playing a prank, I advise you to stop. This is not funny."
"I am serious. I had observed you for a long time. I even know that you and Lisa are no longer together."
I was shocked. No one except Ken and Lisa's friends knew about our relationship, let alone that we broke off. I also knew that this mysterious girl was quite serious.
"Why do you use her account? You can use yours to talk to me"
"No. I rather not reveal myself. I am quite contented. Do you know that when you are gloomy you are not the only one?"
"How come?"
"The one who likes you feels the same as you do. Do you know?"
I was pleasantly surprised. I had never imagine myself to be observed let alone liked by a girl. I am neither handsome, rich or good in studies. Perhaps this girl saw something else in me?
"Hey, why don't you tell me who are you?"
"No. I can't. And please don't ask Karen too. And please please don't use qt80."
"What qt80?"
"Oh never mind, as i expected."
At that time I did not know what was qt80 as I seldom use VAX other than to read mails of tutorial assignments, talk to Lisa, and do the Pascal assignment.
The next day when I saw Karen came back to do her Pascal assignment I observed her and even talked to her. She was either a superb actress or she really did not know what happened. I did not tell anyone about this mysterious person.
The second time the mysterious person talked to me was late at night while I was using modem to do the documentation for my part.
"Hi...pascal again?"
"Yes."
"I am NOT Karen."
"Yes I know. Karen does not own a modem. I found out that she does not own a PC."
"Quite clever of you. Hey, can I ask you some questions?"
"Sure, go ahead."
"Why did you and Lisa break up?"
"Sorry, I think it's too personal. I am very sorry."
"It's ok. I am just curious. Hey, tell me, when is your birthday?"
"It's over two months ago. What about yours?"
"Mine is at the middle of the year. May 19."
"Oh mine is 2/9. What name shall I call you?"
There was a pause before she continued.
"Just call me Sally."
"Is that you real name?"
"No. it's just a name that i like, btw, how many people are there in your family?"
"You doing a family survey? *joking*"
"No. Just like to know. You mind?"
"Surely not. I have a younger sister and my parents of course. What about you?"
"Oh I have an elder brother and a younger sister."
"I see."
Our conversations lasted until quite late in the morning. I found out a lot more about 'Sally' now. I tried to bait her to tell me more about her name and class but she was quite careful. I gave up quickly and concentrated on trying to find out more about her.
She was from an ordinary JC and had formally taken Comp Science there. No wonder she was quite good with computers. Her father is technician and her mother a housewife. Sally was a free thinker but she still prayed to those Chinese deities. Her hobbies included playing piano and making cross-stitch. I also found out that she is a kind and sensitive person from the wide range of topics we talked about.
One day I was using VAX when Sally talked to me again. She asked me if I would be interested to go for a Raffles Affiliates outing.
"So when is the night tour?" I asked.
"On 29 Nov, after school re-opens. The night tour is over Sat night till Sunday."
"Are you going yourself?"
"I might...if you go. Then you will know who I am."
"Sure, I'll be interested to go and find out who you are."
"Then welcome! See u there!"
I was quite curious who this Sally was. I signed up alone because I was afraid Ken's presence might make Sally feel awkward. Time passed quickly and Nov 29 came.
We were to wait at YIH for the coach to pick us up. I waited apprehensively at the assigned location. I had never been to a night tour and I was pretty excited. I was even more excited as I was about to meet the mysterious Sally. I sat alone from the rest of the people attending the tour. It seemed I was the only Comp Science student there. Suddenly a girl's voice called out.
"Hi! I am Sally."
I looked up and saw her. I have never seen her before. She is tall and looked quite sophisticated too. She has quite a good figure. Her short hair looked very good with her face. She wore expensive clothes too. I was puzzled and surprised.
"Are you sure you are Sally? I've never seen you before."
"Why do you always assume I am a first year? Can't I be second year?"
I was so surprised. People always said that I had luck but I did not believe until now. Yes, I do have luck. But then, even luck comes with efforts. I decided not to let that night slip by. I wanted to turn the it into a memorable night. The first night with Sally.
SALLY observed that we were the only Comp Science people there. Good, we did not have to think of computers for a while. The organiser of the tour was a second year Bizad student. She tried hard to get everybody together and mix around. Of course, the two of us clicked immediately and mixing with other people was not important at all.
As it was only about a month since Lisa left me, I still felt dejected and lost then. I wanted someone to talk to and someone to listen to my troubles and worries. I poured out my heart to her and she listened well. Perhaps it was also because of the sudden relief from loneliness that I was feeling; I felt that I could talk to her like a good old friend. I told her about Lisa, about Ken, about how my studies suffered and about my army days.
She was an interested listener. She was very patient and quite cultured too I think. Her actions were refined. The way she smiled, the way she drank her cola, the way she walked, the way she laughed, the way she talked, the way she looked at me, the way she brushed her hair; they all spoke of someone with good etiquette and charged with feminism. Her voice was clear and interesting. I just love watching her and listening to her.
Like two lovers on honeymoon, we were oblivious to the outside world. We only talked to ourselves and 'took care' of our own selves. It was like a small world of our own; sitting on the coach and travelling from place to place.
Each time the coach stopped, we would be the last one to alight. Each time we left a place, we would be among the first to get up the coach to take the back seats. We had more privacy that way.
One of the places we visited was a discotheque. It was there that I discovered that she was a good dancer. It was also there that I discovered that she came from rich family; she frequented high class eating and leisure places quite often with another of her 'high' society girlfriend. She told of me of how guys at those places always wanted to know them and tried dating them too. Her girlfriend was quite game and even went out with some of them. She was a bit more conservative she said. She only went out with an engineer who was six years her senior to the pub, or so she said.
The second last place we visited was the fish market. As early as three a.m., people already started selling and buying fresh vegetables, meat and fish there. We were led to a floating walkway across the warehouse because the whole place can be observed from there.
The floating walkway was high and slippery. When the 'guide' stopped at the middle of it to explain to us the various functioning of the place, Sally held onto my elbow as if she was afraid of heights. I seized the chance too to hold her hands and lead her all the way until we went back to the coach.

The feeling was different. With Lisa there was always a fear to be seen by her cousin and her friends. But with Sally, things were quite the opposite. We ignored other undergrads who said we were 'fast'. Who cares!

The last place visited was Mount Faber. Some of the people were sleeping, some were talking, but most were buaya-ing I suppose. We walked to a quiet place away from the rest and settled down onto a lookout bench on a slope. It was quite far from the rest of the group. None of them could see or hear us, but we could see and hear them.

Sally sat down beside me and we started talking about our childhood days. She told me about how tomboyish she was; I told her about how girlie I was too. She even told me of how once she urinated into her flower pot when she learnt that urine can 'help' a plant to grow.
"Do you have any boyfriend before?" I asked.

She looked at me and said, "What do you think?"
"Well you certainly look good and I think you have a lot of suitors."
"Do I look that good? Anyway, there aren't many. Only a few." she replied. "Hey, tell me why did you break up with Lisa?"

I debated whether I should tell her the truth. Knowing that it was quite useless to keep the truth from her, I decided to tell her bits of it.
"I did not break up with her. She left me. She left me for her ex. That's why," I said curtly. I was a bit angry and a bit sad. "I just cannot comprehend why she left me so suddenly. I just could not bring her back."

"If she ever come back to you, will you still want her?"
I was not so sure myself. I stared out into the horizon. The blinking lights of the ships did not tell me any answer. Neither did the blinking stars above that littered heaven. I was confused about my own feelings towards Lisa. I was angry with her for changing and dumping me. But then I still loved her. I did not know the answer to the question Sally asked.

"I suppose she would not ask me back. I still like her. But I think if she ever come back to me, I might say 'yes'. It depends on when and why she comes back to me."
"If... say tomorrow?"
"I might."
"What if it's because her ex dumps her again?"
"Then I would not."
"But what if she found out she did not love him as much as she loves you?"
I was surprised at that question. I really hoped it is true. But will she? In her own words she said that she was falling in love with him again. Will she do the same for me? I did not think I can hold a candle to him at all. I 'lost' to him in many ways.
"Min, is the question too sensitive? You know you needn't have to answer."
"It's a case I never thought of before. I don't know."

I could senses that she was a bit disappointed. I could see in her eyes that she hoped that I would say I will never go back to Lisa. But then I did not want to lie to her. What else could I say?
The cold morning breeze made our casual wear defenseless against the coldness. Sally folded her arms and rubbed her own elbows. She did not want to look at me. Through the sunlight that was trying to break through the horizon, I could see a sparkle in her eye.

My heart just melted. I could sense that she needed someone to hold her, to prop up her lost confidence and hope. I put my arms around her shoulder, trying to shield her away from the cold breeze. She was a bit surprised; she just moved closer to me and laid her head on my shoulder.

We were silent for about a few minutes. Both of us needed one another for warmth, both kinds of warmth.
"Min, I want to tell you I like you. You don't have to feel the same."
"I... I like you too. It's just that I still cannot forget Lisa. I mean I enjoy talking to you. I enjoy being with you. I like your company. I really hope we can be better friends and perhaps, special friends."
"Really?" her face lit up.
"Yes, I want to give us a try. Will you..."
She did not need words to communicate her answer and feelings. She turned around and gave me a 'side' hug with a quick peck on the cheek. I was elated. I felt so wonderful. Never has anyone kissed me so suddenly. I felt safe and secured too.

She semi-snuggled on the bench and rested her head on my lap. I looked at her contented look and was very happy. I played with her short hair and also fingered with her bracelet. We did not need any words to communicate feelings. Our touches were electrified and deliberated. Morning has just broken. A new day, a new chapter awaited us.
After our lessons were over, we would go to her place to spend the rest of the afternoon to study. Dinner at her place was solid. Her maid was good at Indian food. I really wondered how she kept her figure.

Sometimes we would go to a park or a good eating place. There were times when she would drive her father's car out to a reservoir and she would let me drive the car. My driving license saw some good use at last.

Her dad co-owned a chain of restaurants with her uncles. No wonder she is good with food. Whenever we went out, she never allowed me to pay for the bill. She always said that her Dad gave a lot of money and if she did not spend them, she would waste it on compact discs, clothes and jewelry. Because she said that, I felt much better.
One Saturday we went to her home as usual. I noticed that she was particularly happier than normal.

"Why are you so happy? Anything up?" I asked.
"A little pre-Christmas surprise for you. You will know later."
When we reached her place, she asked me to wait in her room. I noticed that her house was very quiet. I could only hear her pekinese barking at me in the next door.
"Well what's up?" I asked when she returned to her room.
She put down a tray of glasses and vodka and held up my hands and said softly, "My parents went to Indonesia for some business. They took my little sis along. My brother went for ICT. I gave the maid two days off in return for a promise not to breathe a word about everything. Such chance doesn't come easily. We can..."

"Wait...why vodka?" I interrupted.
"Vodka makes you feel higher." she breathed those words sexily.
Two of us were alone in a large house. She went over to her personal mini-hifi and repeat-played the theme from Dying Young. I smiled and poured the vodka for ourselves. We drank the crystal clear liquid and felt good and excited.
She walked towards me and put her arms around my shoulder. I responded and put mine around her waist. We moved in rhythm to the sentimental music. It felt so wonderful. The music was good. The partner was better. The drink was solid. The mood was fantastic.
I felt tipsy quite quickly and wanted to stop dancing. She seemed to keep quite a cool head. I moved my hands to the button of her jean skirt and unbutton it, dropping the skirt onto the floor. She stepped aside and unbuckle my belt, unbuttoning it at the same time. She was a smooth operator.

It wasn't long before there was nothing to take off. She led me to her queen-size bed. The music was still playing. We were still tipsy. Our mood was even higher and the heat was on...
Music was playing. Vodka was working. Passion was flying. And... everything else did not matter. Only ourselves.
I just could not forget that memorable weekend. We had the whole house to ourselves. We had lots of fun and tried many things we normally would not do. Sally also proved to be a great cook. She had planned it the week before when her parents told her they would be going away for a three-day business cum sightseeing trip to Indonesia. She was certainly cool. I like that.
One day while waiting for Sally, I decided to log onto VM in the IBM room to do my Cobol tutorial. I was doing halfway when I overheard,

"You mean the one who is going out with a guy from first year is it?"
"Ya lor. The one who was driving the car one."
"So what did you see?"
"I saw them at the Ship last Friday. She paid for the bill one you know?"
"Wah... so good one. I envy the guy man! He is living off her!"
"May be not lah. May be she was just returning him a treat."
"Aiyah! Whether true or not, if I am the guy I sure very happy one."

I was quite hurt at those comments. I slipped out of the room quietly and went home. I asked myself why did I have to suffer such criticism behind my back. Didn't they understand that she wanted to pay the bill herself? Surely I could afford to pay half of it but since she will waste the money anyway, why worry?

Sally called that night and she was quite furious that I did not wait for her. I gave a lame excuse and hung up. I tried hard to forget what I heard that day.
The next day I decided to apologise to Sally. I sent her an e-mail saying I was sorry. I was quite confused as whether to carry on the relationship. I also began to wonder whether I was 'living off' my girlfriend and whether I really love her or her money.

Quite absentmindedly I talked to Lisa although I did not know if she was logged on. To my surprise she replied quite quickly.

"I am fine. How are you?" she asked.
"Sad. Very sad."
"How come? I thought you are happy with your new girlfriend?"
"That's the problem. It's the relationship that's the problem."
"Tell you what.... wait for me at the usual Central place half an hour later, I will join you."

I sent a second e-mail to Sally and asked her to go back herself. I took the internal shuttle bus to Central to see Lisa. This time it's a different kind of feeling. A feeling that was quite opposite of the last time I went to Central to see her.

"So what's your problem?" she asked.
"People think I am 'living off' my new girl."
"How did you know that?"
"I overheard yesterday. What they said was quite true too."
"What do you mean living off?"
"I mean she paid for all our expenses. I volunteered but she wanted to. She is quite rich actually. I did not think of that until those remarks I heard yesterday woke me up."

"Well, if both of you are sincere then it's ok. Don't give up so easily."
"The problem is that I myself don't know if I really like her or the money she spent on us. Tell me, what would you do?"
"Actually I am not much better. Roger's friends seem to think that I am with him for his money. I felt hurt too but I didn't care. I love him and he loves me. That's all I care."
"That's because both of you are quite sure of yourselves. For me, I am not quite sure. Since you left me, I have not been able to love another person as fully as I should. I have really lost my ability to love again. I really feel bad."

I did not mean to say those words but they just blurted out. Lisa was visibly shocked. She looked at me with teary eyes and then looked down onto the table again.
I clasped her hands in mine and said sorry softly,

"You don't have to be sorry. I am the one who should say sorry. I was the one who gave you so much trouble."

She only realised this too late. She took my hands and kissed them. She was still so sweet, so gentle. Her eyes spoke volumes of sorrows and regret. I really wanted to tell her to come back to me. I still love her. More than Sally.

Just then, I heard footsteps coming towards me. I looked at and saw Sally heading towards our position. Lisa pushed my hands from her lips and withdrew them but Sally saw it all. Tears welled up in her eyes as she stood there staring in disbelief.

"I tried to look for you when I received your first e-mail. I wanted to say that I accept your apology personally but when I located your whereabout, I saw you leaving the IBM room in a hurry. I followed. I suspected you are going to see Lisa. I was right."
I was quite shock by her revelation.
"I hid behind the book shelf and watched the two of you. I really don't mind if two of you just talk. But she kissed your hands..." she sobbed.
At this time we were attracting quite an attention. I felt uneasy. Lisa was embarrassed and regretted her action. Both of us sat there feeling remorseful and guilty. Both of us did not say any word.
"Min, do you love her or do you love me?" Sally asked painfully.
"I..." I did not know how to reply. On one hand I was afraid to disappoint Sally. On the other hand I wanted to use the situation to tell Lisa that I still love her sincerely.
Sally stood there expecting a reply. I just stared at the table. Lisa was looking at me, half afraid of the reply. I knew she would want me to go back to Sally but I wanted to tell her I love her.
Sally closed her eyes and said, "I know your reply. I know. I can only say that I was wrong about your feelings. I was wrong in my judgement. I was just too hopeful."
She tried to stop her sobbings but failed. "Min, I love you but you love her right?" she asked. She tried to fake a smile but it was futile. "Why am I still standing here? I... I got to go." she said tearfully and ran upstairs.
Lisa was quite shocked. She looked at me again.
"Min, I really don't know what to say to you. I am sorry for what I did. I shouldn't have."
She need not say sorry. Her kiss was worth it in my eyes. I realised now that I love her much more than Sally. But then, will it help? It was too late anyway.
Just then Roger came along. He was more controlled than before. He saw us and walked over. He still look as good as before.
"Am I disturbing both of you? Hey, how come there are people looking at both of you?"
"No. Min had some problems that we were trying to solve."
"Oh! I just wanted to remind Lisa that the show will start soon and we must hurry."
"Min, I think need to go now. I am sorry. Talk to me again if you have any problem that I can help. See you."
Roger wanted to hold her hand but she withdrew hers. I stared at their images as they walked up the staircase.
I did not know how long I stared at the staircase. I only found myself weeping silently sometime later. It was quite unbelievable. At one moment I was with two girls whom I like very much. The next moment both of them left me. It was a strange feeling.
Strange thoughts began to cross my mind. Perhaps I was meant to be single. Perhaps I was meant to have only temporary girlfriends only. Perhaps all girls are not meant to stay long with me. Perhaps.
Life was back to 'normal'. It was a silent and uneventful Christmas week for me. A friend had tried to ask me to go to his Church but I was too sad even to consider. I only wanted to spend some time alone, sorting out my thoughts and feelings. It was a difficult week to pass through. I wanted to call Lisa, but I knew she had better company. I wanted to call Sally too, but I supposed she did not want to talk to me, at least for that week.
Many people had New Year resolutions. So had I. But will it ever come true? Will it be realised? I prayed silently that it will.
When term resumes in the new year, I was even more miserable. It was very sad to see Lisa so happy without me. It was even harder when I saw Sally sad and sorrowful. She seemed to be avoiding me. I felt so close to them, yet so far. Just too far to even talk.
I decided to call her after the first week. She picked up the call herself.
"To what do I owe this honour?" she said curtly.
"Why do you say this? Can't I just call?"
"I do not wish to talk to you or anything about this. Please don't call me."
"Wait... I really want to say I was sorry. Yes I really do like Lisa but that doesn't mean I don't like you."
"So?"
"Nothing. I also want to tell you that I was very sad at that time so Lisa consoled me. We talked about our relationship. About some problems I was facing."
"Problems? What problems? Please explain."
"I was confused as to whether I like you or your money. I hate to like you for your money but that could be true. But I must say I was very happy with you."
"Huh? Why don't you tell me this? Why can't you discuss this with me before you discuss with her? Am I second in your eyes?"
"No... it's just that I find that I am better in relating my problems to her. I think she understands me a lot. I just wanted to discuss our problems with her."
"So what? Does she have to kiss your hands?"
"Why are you so possessive?"
"Possessive? Would any girl like another girl to hold her boyfriend's hand, let alone kiss it?"
"She and me were very close once."
"But that does not give you any reason to do that. If you really love only me, then you would not allow that to happen."

She was right. I love Lisa too. And I know she still have some affection for me. It's just that she loves Roger more than me. The conversation did not last more than ten minutes. I have explained to Sally what happened. I did not expect her to come back. Perhaps I really like her, not love her.

I was miserable for a long time. Life was just so boring. Somehow I did not miss Sally, but I kept thinking of Lisa. Somehow I just hoped that Lisa would know that someone is thinking of her every hour, every minute. Would the heaven tell her please? She ought to know how I felt for her. But then it was no use. She was happy the way she was.

The examinations were approaching fast. I found it quite hard to concentrate on my studies. Ken tried to help me too but each time I would decline his help. I just wanted to spend my time alone. I would daydream of my own princess whom I will meet someday and we would livr happily ever after. It was very silly but that's better than reality. It was only in my dream that I had someone I loved and someone who loved me too. Reality is always harder to take, harder to accept. It is also harsher and cruel. Somehow I learnt to believe only in dreams and learnt not to trust reality.

I focused my attention on my studies and my dream. The examinations came quickly and passed even quicker. It was not before long that I found myself with so much extra time. I did not need to go back to serve my remaining time in the army like some of my poor classmates. I had a lot of time to myself. Too much in fact. However, the extra time also began to make me feel very lonely. My mind began to work out of control again. Images of Lisa and Sally came aflashing. I felt so bad and was unable to concentrate on anything I do. Luckily it was after the examinations or else I would be in trouble.
I tried to get my mind off from such BGR things by looking for a job. I looked up the newspaper and found a job as a part-time tutor in a famous overseas educational centre. I taught O-level maths and physics.
Life began to get better as my mind was off from BGR problems. I taught 5 times a week to 3 classes. It was only at night and I got to have the day free. During the day I would either stay at home or go out with Ken and his girlfriend occasionally. Life was slowly getting better.
One day I reached the centre earlier than usual. The staff who worked during the day had not gone off work yet. I noticed a particular attractive girl. She has long hair and an almond shape face. Her eyes were quite beautiful. Her skin is fair and shiny. Her legs are long and slender. She looks quite good.
I approached her and sat at the customer chair. She saw me and started to speak to me.
"Interested in signing for a course?" she asked.
"Ehh...yes."
"What level are you in?"
"O-level."
She stared at me for a while. She must be thinking that I was too old to be an O-level student.
"What subjects are you interested to be tutored on?"
"Ehh..A Maths and E Maths."
"Sorry. The classes are full already. What about other subjects like Physics and Geography?"
"Physics please."
"Your name please?"
I told her my name, She looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. She stood up and went over to a filing cabinet and took out a file labelled 'Employee Particulars'. She flipped through and then stopped. She looked at me angrily and walked back to the reception desk.
"Are you trying to be funny? You are an employee aren't you?"
"Well, I am. I only want to talk to you."
She was furious when she heard this. She looked at me sternly and said,
"You want me to complain to the manager?"
I was startled. I did not expect her to be so fierce. I apologised to her and left for my lesson quickly, full of embarrassment.
The next day I went early like the day before. I wanted to catch a glimpse of her and perhaps to say sorry again.
She was there at her reception desk as usual. I sat down in front of her.
"Want to take up tuition again?" she asked naughtily.
"Well, this time is different. Now I want to ask give you an apology and I want to treat you to dinner or supper."
She smiled and replied "You have already said sorry yesterday. No, I do not go out with strangers. I am very sorry."
She looked so sweet when she smiled again. She was being diplomatic but then her smile was great. Somehow her reaction was quite different from yesterday.
"You can read my particulars from the employees file if you want. Then we would not be strangers right?" I asked cheekily.
She gave a half-smile and said "No. Thank you very much. I am very flattered. Perhaps some other time.". Her body language gestured me to get lost.
I got up from the chair with a bruised ego. She was so nice. She declined me with style though not so gently. I like her style.
I went ahead with my teaching. When lessons were over at nine p.m., I bade the students goodbye and packed up my stuff. When I pass the reception, I noticed her sitting there. I walked over to the waiting area.
"Hi, aren't you going back?" I asked.
"I am waiting for you."
I was quite pleasantly surprised. "Do I have the honour to send you back?"
She smiled sweetly and we left the place together. I learnt that she really looked at my particulars and was satisfied that I come from a 'clean' background.
"So is this your permanent job?" I asked her.
"No. Like you I am waiting for my first year accountancy results."
"Oh, then we are on the same boat right?"
She smiled. We walked passed a hawker centre which was still bustling with life and vigour. The place was famous for many local food.
"Hey, want to have supper or late dinner?" I asked.
"I had my dinner. Supper will do."
I treated her to one of the local delicacies. We talked on a wide range of topics and discussed many 'issues' at great length. I learnt that her father was deceased and her mother was supporting two children. Her elder brother is in Engineering in NUS. She needed to earn her own pocket money herself. She also had to pay part of her own NTU tuition fees. That was why she was working then. Quite a remarkable girl.
"Have you had any boyfriend?"
"Yes. Some time ago. We broke off one year ago."
"Oh I am sorry."
I was curious why they broke off. I asked her,
"Who initiated it?"
"Him." she said matter-of-factly.
"You are quite beautiful and nice too. Why did he want to break off with you?"
"I don't know. Ask him lor."
I liked her reply. Perhaps she did not want to reply me. Perhaps the guy really dumped her for another girl, just like Lisa during her first relationship. Perhaps it was she who left him.
After supper I volunteered to send her back. She agreed. We took a bus to her place. I also insisted to send her right to her door-step.
"Well, we have reached my door. Thank you for you treat."
"You are very welcome. I hope we can get together again. Can we?"
She did not say anything. She just smiled and opened her door and went inside. Before she closed the door she whispered,
"Tomorrow same time, same place. My treat. See you."
WE went out a few times after my lessons. We got to know each other quite well. I learnt that Yve did not want to commit herself to another relationship. I also found out that my liking for her was quite superficial. It was a crush only. She was like a good colleague to me. A good confidant. A good friend. A very good friend indeed as I learnt later on.
We would talk about our own experiences in love. I told her about Lisa and Sally. She told me about her weakness. She said that one failure was enough for her. She did not want to experience another.
"Why are you so afraid to try again?"
"Because I do not want to fail again."
She was quite stubborn. She just refused to change. I tried to tell her not to shut herself out of this world.
"But if you don't try, you will never succeed!"
"But if I do not try, I will never fail!" she snapped back quickly. Her eyes glaring at me. They were quite fierce and they burned deep into mine.
"You are stubborn and hot-tempered." I retorted.
I waited for her to cool down a bit before asking her "How did you know him?"
"Who? Him?"
I nodded my head. I was really curious about him and her relationship.
"He was my JC classmate. We went steady in our JC first year. We were quite immature then. We believed in all the things that romance will bring when we don't even know what love is. Such were the days then. He was good to me. One day in the middle of our second year, a friend saw him going out with another girl. I questioned him about it and he admitted it. He lied to me earlier that he was going for his ECA. I forgave him. I was quite foolish to let him go like that."
Sometimes wisdom eludes me. I just do not understand why the guy would want to cheat her when I find her so wonderful and perfect.
"We went on as nothing happened. Then one day nearing the prelims, I discovered that he went out with the girl again. This time it was to a park near our JC. When I confronted him again, he said that the girl needed someone to help her in her school work as the exams were near. I was furious. I mean, she could have asked other guys for help, why must she ask him to help? I told him that we were finished and that he had used his only chance. We did not talk for many days after that."
I could see the tears forming in her eyes as she related the story. I pitied her for being cheated the second time.
"Just after the prelims, he asked me out. He said he wanted to give me back my things. I thought it was true and I agreed to meet him. We met at the park near our school and there he pleaded me to go back to him. He said 'I really can't live without you. I promise not to see her again'. At first I was not taken by his pleas. Then he went over to the middle of the road and stood at the bend. He said that unless I agree, he would not come back to the pavement. I thought he was joking. Just then, a truck really came by quite fast. I shouted to him to jump aside but he was too shocked to react. Luckily the truck managed to stopped in time and only knocked him gently. He was quite shaken. I was so touched by his sincerity to change that I forgave him immediately.
"We continued to be together as before and even grew closer after the 'A' levels. We indulged in light pettings occasionally. Shortly he was due for enlistment. After his enlistment, I found work as a temporary relief teacher.
"Every weekend we would go out. Times were quite good. Until after his posting to the NCO school. He would come back home and refuse to go out with me, saying that he was very tired. Sometimes I would go over to his house to see him. We would talk about his 'punishment' during training and about his unreasonable instructors. I would also help him to pack his 'barang barang' for his next book-in. Life was quite okay. Then one day..."
She was really sobbing now. When I first knew her she was a fierce and 'strong' type of woman. But now under such emotional strain she just broke down. Girls are still girls after all.
"One day I couldn't get through to him. I thought his phone is damaged so I went over to visit him unannounced. I was at the foot of his block when I saw that girl with him again. I was so angry. I ran over and stopped them right in their tracks. Both of them were quite shocked to see me.
"She winced when she saw me raising my hand to slap him. He just stood there without moving. Then she said smugly, 'David do not want you because you are too hot tempered. You are just not feminine enough. You cannot give him what I can. You are not fit to be his girlfriend.'
"I was so angry that I slapped her as well. She looked so shocked and then she broke down and cried. David slapped me back in retaliation. I was so humiliated, angry and sad. I stood there and cried too. No one has ever slapped me before. David stood there and looked at both of us. Both of us were crying. But he eventually went to her and pacified her, holding her in his arms. I felt so neglected, so unwanted and so unloved. I ran away from the place, from both of them. It was quite obvious that he has chosen her over me. From then on, I've never heard from David or her again, even until now.
"If he wanted to leave me because he did not like my temper, he could have told me. I could have changed. I am still thinking of what that girl said when she said that I cannot give him something that she could. I just don't know the real reason why he left me for her."
So that was how she broke of with her boyfriend. She was quite right when she said that she did not know why her ex-boyfriend wanted to 'leave' her by going out with the second girl because she still cannot control her own temper. She also did not know that her temper can really make her lose out in this world. She is also quite an independent person, a threat to some guys.
"I tried to change myself as much as I can but it was too hard. I wanted to learn how to tolerate others. I tried hard. The other day when you came over and played a prank on me, I was quite angry. The next day I tried to show you that I had 'forgiven' you by accepting you treat. Please don't be angry. I think I have lost my first boyfriend this way. Believe me, I really want to change but...."
It was quite sad to see her crying. I did not know how to console her. I am not good with words. I just held her in my arms. She said later that she wanted to learn how to control her temper to keep her relationship in control.
There was once when we went to a hawker centre after lesson. She asked me more about Lisa. I told her how we met and why we were not together. I also told her about Roger.
"So she preferred you to Roger?" she asked.
"Must be. If not she would be with me."
"You have not really shown or showered her with concern. Roger did. Roger is willing to hunger himself for her and willing to change for her. Will you?"
That question really stumped me. I have never thought of that. I searched my mind and could not find any thing 'sacrificial' that I did for Lisa that I can boast about. I only realised this too late.
"If you really love her, then you should not mind her past mistakes. You should forgive her. You should even sacrifice your precious time and efforts for her. You had been too stubborn. When you decided to put everything on hold, she must really felt unwanted and hunger for love. She hoped you would say yes but you did not."
"How would you know?" I asked. I was half-regretting what I did not do then.
"Min, I am a girl. I understand how a girl feel. You... you are quite insensitive. You should have said yes if you really love her then."
I regretted my action. I only realised that I really love her later but of course, all was too late then. And of course, there is no hope now.
"Roger came along and filled the void. Lisa is human too. As you said, she the emotional and passionate type. Someone who gives easily and receives easily. Such people are easy prey for others who make use of them."
I nodded in agreement.
"She needs love, care and concern during that period. Roger came along and showed her he is sincere and she accepted it. You were just too slow in actions and in realising your true feelings."
I looked at Yve's eyes. They were sincere and true. I was grateful for her lesson in love but it was all too late.
"You can forget about everthing now and start over a new leaf. Find a new person if you want."
"No, not now. Lisa is still very much alive in me. I still love her."
"If I could do it all over again I would change history. I really would. I still love her." I thought to myself.
The first year results were released. She did quite well. Ken passed well. I had a re-paper. I was actually quite happy considering my state of mental condition and the amount of work I put in. We went to a Japanese restaurant to celebrate. It was quite expensive but we had earn ourselves a tidy sum and also this occasion really called for a celebration.
Just when we were about to eat, I saw Roger coming into the restaurant with Lisa tailing behind. Lisa saw me but Roger did not. We smiled at each other when they passed the sector where we were seated. They found themselves a place at another corner of the restaurant.
I observed them but I did not tell Yve. I saw them talking with animated gestures. Lisa seemed to be angry with him but Roger did not seem to care. At one point Lisa stood up and Roger motioned her to sit down fiercely. She obeyed and seemed to be sobbing inside her.
I continued talking to Yve about how I intend to spend the rest of my holiday. I told her I would spend my second last week in Indonesia with Ken.
Suddenly I heard Lisa shouting "Then why do you lie to me again?". A few of those patrons of the restaurants looked at them for a while. Roger was embarrassed and he said something to Lisa, perhaps trying to cool her down. They talked for a while.
"You liar! You liar! You said that the last time. I would not believe you again. And I am going to leave you! You hear me? I am going to leave you and you are going to regret this." Lisa shouted again.
This time Roger stood up and left the table without even saying a word to Lisa. He was quite embarrassed. She was left crying alone behind at the table. It was quite a scene.
I looked at Yve and told her "Yve, that's Lisa over there. I think Roger and her had quarreled. Roger left already and Lisa is crying. I am going over to take a look."
"I'll come along."
We walked over to her table, ignoring all those curious stares around us.
"Lisa, what happened?" I asked.
She looked up and shook her head.
"Tell me. Tell me what happened. Did Roger make you angry?" I asked.
She nodded her head. Amidst her sobbings she said "He is seeing the rich girl again. I asked him to stop but he refused. He said it was only once but I actually had friends who saw them together a few times. He even said that it was his and the rich girl's business, not mine and that he is at liberty to do anything he likes."
Yve touched my hand and whispered "Now is your chance Min. Take it." I took her cue and sat down beside Lisa. Yve was still standing beside us.
"Lisa, please don't cry. When you cry you make someone who still loves you very sad too."
Her sobbings reduced to sniffings immediately. She looked up at me with her wet eyes. They were even more beautiful this way. Those sparkling and penetrating eyes.
"You... I don't understand what you mean." she said weakly, trying to think clearly.
"Lisa, listen. After you left me, my heart almost went with you until Sally came along. She filled the void that you created. But still, I could not forget you. I still thiought of you and that day when I wanted to discuss my relationship with Sally, she saw us and as you know, she wanted me to choose between you and her. I chose you. I have always loved you. I am bad in expressing my feelings and I want you to know now that I love you."
At this moment she seemed to sober herself. She wiped her eyes dry and looked into my eyes. I fixed my gaze on her too. After a while she looked down. I was quite lost at what to say.
"Min, please excuse both of us. I want to have a talk with Lisa." Yve said.
I did not know what Yve wanted to say to Lisa but I went back to my table and sat there, eating the already cold food.
I spied Lisa shaking her head a few times and Yve did most of the talking. Finally Yve came over and said "Min, I've tried my best. Go over to her now."
"What did both of you talk about?"
"Ask her. Go now. I'll be waiting here."
I went over quickly. Lisa did not want to look at me in the eyes. She seemed to be avoiding eye contact. She had become shy again.
"Lisa, what did Yve say?"
"She... she told me about your true feelings towards me. I am quite grateful for that. I appreciate that. Thank you. She also asked me to consider loving you again. I..."
I was grateful to Yve too for communicating my feelings and helping me. I just hoped Lisa would just say yes. I prayed silently inside me.
"I don't know what to do. Please give me some time. I need to think this all over again. I really need to. I am quite confused."
"Ok, I will wait for your reply. But remember this Lisa, I have never cheated you and my feelings for you did not change since the first day we met. It had waned a little here when you left but it is getting stronger and stronger. My heart will always follow you wherever you go. You know that."
"I... I know. But..." she cut herself short.
We sent her back that night. Lisa was quite weak physically and emotionally. Yve supported her most of the time. I did not dare to hold her because I know if I did I would not let go.
The next day one of Lisa's friends called me.
"Min, Lisa tried to commit suicide. She had an over dosage of sleeping pills. The doctors are trying to cleanse her stomach in GH now. Hurry!"
I took a cab. It was eleven p.m. When I reached there, I saw her parents and little sister with her friend who called me outside an emergency room. They looked worried. I went over and joined them. I was very frightened that the worst would happen. I prayed silently to the heavens to save her. She was just a victim of love. Oh... please don't let her die.
After half an hour, a few hospital staff came out. One of them spoke to us.
"There is nothing to worry now. She is fine but quite weak. We had cleansed and flushed her stomach and removed the toxins already. By the way, who gave her those sleeping pills?"
"They are actually my wife's. Her doctor prescribed them to her when she complained of insomnia." Lisa's father replied.
"I see. Anyway, there is nothing to worry. She will have to stay in the hospital for a few days to be observed. After that she can go home."
We were all so relieved. I advised Lisa's parents and friend to go back home. Her parents were old and were quite tired.
I walked by the side when the nurse pushed Lisa's roller bed to a ward. The nurse told me that I could go back too but I preferred to stay. I sat beside her. She was still unconscious. I just wanted to stay a little while longer with her. Just in case she needed someone there. Just in case I might never get to see her again if such things were to happen again. I realised how precious time with another person you love is while we are still alive.
A policeman came shortly. He was directed by the nurse to Lisa's bed.
"Is this the girl who tried to commit suicide?"
"Yes, but she is sleeping now. Can I help you?"
"I need to take a statement. What is your relation to this girl?"
"I..." I pondered for a while. I had suddenly forgotten what my relation to her was. At the same time I did not want to make a fool of myself in front of the policeman.
"I am her good friend." I replied.
"I see. Can you tell me exactly what you know about the facts of this case? Wait... your name first, please?"
After giving my statement, I stayed on. I spent the night with Lisa. She slept quite peacefully, except that she woke up once and asked for water. I gave it to her and she went back to sleep immediately. The duty nurse there was quite relieved that she had one less patient to take care of.
The next day Lisa woke up at ten a.m. She looked a bit tired but after the nurse brought her to wash up, her face looked radiant again.
"The nurse told me you stayed here whole night." she said slowly and weakly.
"Yes. I just wanted to be with you."
She was silent for a while. She looked out of the window and stared at the buildings faraway. Suddenly she broke down and cried.
"Lisa, cry your heart out. I won't stop you. If you want to tell me anything, just say. I am here for you."
She sobbed louder. I sat on her bed and held her in my arms. She cried for quite some time. When her crying reduced to sobbing, I asked,
"Why did you do such a silly thing?"
"I just don't know. I just hate myself for being so naive to fall for him again. He cheated me again. I just hate myself for being so worthless and stupid. I hate myself. I lost confidence in everything because it seems that my love life is always in a mess. I just wanted to die and let go of everything."
"No. You should not say that. Do you know if you leave there would be many people who will be very sad? Think about how your parents will react. Think about who will take care of them. Think about your little sister. Who is going to guide her?"
"I don't know."
"But most of all Lisa. If you leave, someone will be very sad because he loves you very much. Don't you see? Without Roger, you will still have me! And why do you make those who love you so much so sad? Your parents love you, and I love you too, very much."
"Isn't it too late that I know now?"
"No Lisa. We can start all over again."
"I... I need time to think over again. I can't answer you right now. I need to think carefully this time."
"I know. I also hope you don't foul up your next relationship. Whether with me or not. I will wait for you reply."
I don't know if what I said was correct. She started sobbing again. After a while, she stopped. She kept quiet for a long time. A short while later, her parents came to visit her.
I had stopped my teaching temporary to be with her. Lisa also had a re-paper in a CS subject. We revised together in the hospital initially until she became fit enough to leave the place. I went to her place to continue our preparation for our re-paper. Ken came to help once in a while. After every 'revision' day, I would stay for dinner. I think I had built a good rapport with her parents.
Roger did not call her again. Perhaps Roger had made used of that night as a reason to dump her again. Yve was very supportive. She encouraged me and taught me how to win Lisa heart again, only this time it was harder.
The supplementary examinations came and went. We went out many times after our re-papers. The four of us: Ken, Yve, Lisa and me. Each time we went out, I would be extra careful not to see her directly into her eyes or touch her. Ken and Yve noticed that too but they did not tease me about it. They understood me. They are wonderful friends.
The supplementary examination results were released just before the new academic year. Both of us passed. We went out to celebrate that very day, the three of us and Ken of course. That day also coincided with Lisa's twentieth birthday. Ken and Yve had specially arranged a bowling session in Marina South for the four of us.
It was first time bowling for all of us other than Ken, the playful one. I saw a jukebox machine there. I dedicated the song 'Nothing is going to change my love for you' to Lisa, with Ken's and Yve's support of course. I even sang along with the song to Lisa. She was quite touched and happy.
Later in the evening we went to a Korean restaurant for a seafood buffet dinner. The food was okay and we had a great time. After dinner Ken took out a cake. I brought out my present too. It was a hand-made card and a framed-up sketch of her that I had drawn. She was a bit shocked to see it.
"I am really impressed Min. It's not exactly like me but I like it very much. Thank you."
After she said this, I gave her a bouquet of 20 pink roses in full bloom. She looked at me sweetly and said, "This is the first time you gave me flowers."
It was quite remarkable how she remembered when did someone do what. I did not know how she did it but I guess she treasured every happy moment she had and remembered them.
Ken and Yve arranged for the cake to be brought there by another friend. The friend came and joined us for dinner. That night, after cutting the cake Lisa made a wish. Ken asked her what her wish was but she shyed away. Upon further prodding by Yve, she said,
"I wish Min and I can start all over again."
I was so happy. It was quite hard to believe that she had agreed to give our relationship another try. Finally she had agreed.
Ken and Yve gave her a present each. Suddenly an idea struck my mind.

"Lisa, I have one more thing for you."
"Oh... what is it?"
She looked around, trying to find what I had for her.
"What I have is what money cannot buy. For this twentieth birthday of yours, I am giving you my heart and myself. Do you want it?"

I see a role reversal here. It was her who asked me that question barely nine months ago.
She smiled sweetly and gave me a hug and a kiss. That was the first time I touched her after so long. It was really a 'warmth' one. I will remember every moment of it.
Ken, Yve and the friend who sent the cake went back in that friend's car, deliberately leaving us behind. I appreciated that very much.

Like two new lovers, we walked clumsily to the bus-stop. I would seize any opportunity to hold her hand and she would withdraw hers after the 'obstacles' were cleared. Like new lovers who do not know what to do, we stumbled with words and actions. It was like falling in love all over again.

When second year started, we went out to the hop and jams as like last year. This time it's the three of us. Ken, Lisa and me. Yve had gone back to NTU.
Second year was busier than first year. There were more projects and most of our time were spent on tutorial and projects. We were quite busy but we still took time out to see shows and stroll in the parks, just Lisa and me.

One day in October we went to our usual weekend haunt and I asked Lisa, "Lisa, how much do you love me?"
She was surprised at the question. She thought for a while and replied.

"When I first fell in love, it was with Roger. He left me for another 'better' person. I do not know how he measured better. But he thought he would be better with her. I see that he is someone who goes to where he thinks is better for him, quite selfish.
"The second one is the mugger I told you about. We could actually strike it off but he left me after he knew I cheated him. I guessed he must be pretty angry with me. I really have nothing against against him at all. It was me who fouled up everything.

"The third one sacrificed so much for me. He cared a lot for me too. But he died in his foolishness I think. I owed him and his family a lot. He was the only son you know. I can never forget him.
"The last one was you. You are the only one who I like right from the beginning. For the others, I sort of grew to learn to love them over a period of time. You are different. And all of them left me. But you are the one whom I left. Yet you still wanted to come back to me after a year. I was touched. You have shown me your love to be true and persistent, and I have known you better. More importantly, I find myself falling in love with you again. This time it's stronger and more assured. I am more confident of myself now. It is also you that I missed the most when I was not with you. Do you know?

"Also, when I was with you, I did not think of the other guys at all. Only the one who died for me but I guess that was because of guilt. When Roger came to me again, I was happy. But I guess that was because I thought I had found a lost love again. And at that time, I was so sad that you said you wanted to wait. Do you know that I was very sad that you said that?"
I winced at her words. They pierced me right through my heart. I regreted what I did not do then.

"Anyway, Roger did treat me well at first. But he sort of became overly possessive and selfish later. Do you know that once he did not turn up at an appointment because one of his friends delayed him at the earlier appointment? He could have called me since he was picking me up but then he did not. I mean, if he could do that once, he could also do that again sometime later. He put his other friends before me and also he did not allow me to see some of my friends whenever our appointments clashed.

"The last straw came when I found out he cheated me again, the second time. You know what happened after that. He made me leave him because he wanted to leave me.
"In all those previous relationships, it was them who left me. I did not leave any of them except you. I was one who is quite contented to be loved.

"But for you, it is different. It is only after so long, almost a year for me to see that your love for me is true. That there is an assurance that you will stay with me in the long run. The chemistry bewteen us is strong. Tell me, won't you be happy? Won't you love someone who cares so much for you? Won't you love someone who has sacrificed so much for you? Won't you love someone who loves you so much?"

"Yes I will. Very much."
"Tell me, how much you love me?"
"How much? I have waited for a long time for you to come back to me. I have been through many things that teach me how to love. And I did things that only true love will do."
I stared at him. I know that this time, he has found his real love, and I mine, because in his eyes, I see true love.
The End.
Epilogue'HER stories' are separate true incidents woven into a single story and viewed through the eyes of the character Min.
The time frame, place and names had been changed. In fact, I, the author, is only one of the character. I am also the only one who is from Comp. Sc. The others are not from Comp Sc. All the computer talk occurred actually took place on the IBM VM, not VAX.
During the short almost two years, we all learnt many lessons in love. Many mistakes were made. Many wrong turns taken. All of us had matured a little. Each of us.
Min was never sure of himself and confused too. He also has a heart that fancies too easily, until he realised who he really loves. Lisa was too contented to be loved and easily made use of. She yielded many times too. Sally was, perhaps the only one who fought for what she likes but did not get it. Ken is a good friend to the very end (now). He is constantly by Min's side. Yve needs to learn how to control herself before she can control a relationship. Yve was a very good friend too. Roger is selfish and cared only for himself. He is also an unfaithful lover. David, is also an unfaithful lover but he had reasons to leave Yve. The second boyfriend of Lisa gave up too easily. He could have persevered and gone through the hardship and ignored all the rumours. The third one is a bit immature and had a sad ending.
Some found their true love after many mistakes. Some never. It was hard to go through all these sad moments. But it was worth it. It was worth to see and know one's true love in the end though there is still a long road ahead. But some just live on, profiting from their selfish actions.
As Aaron had pointed out, there no need for me to clarify the intent of this writing. There is also no need for me to convince anyone the credibility of the story as a whole. There is also no need for me to identify myself. However, I find that to enjoy reading and understand 'Her stories' fully, it would be advisable to include this epilogue, though a premature explanation had to been given earlier. I am really grateful for the patience of you the readers.
This story was written because I find that many things can be learnt and it makes good reading. The comments I received were instructive. Facts and fiction had been interwoven to make the events flow.

Lastly, I hope you have enjoyed reading them as much as I had in writing them. Let those who appreciate this story as a whole learn, and those who criticise it enjoy.
Author of 'Her stories'

Through his eyesI tell my stories.

In his eyes

I see true love.

[The End]